Wednesday, October 24, 2012
"I took a test this morning and it was negative"
My mom's words rang in my ears.
She hadn't been feeling well for a couple of days, but we had all been praying that God would protect the baby. We were confident that the baby would make it. This had happened before, so we were sure everything would be fine.
As those words were spoken, a despairing mood fell over everyone. Stunned expressions graced all of our faces for a few minutes. The reality hit and one by one tears began to fill our eyes.
Mom didn't want to deal with it that day. We were preparing to leave for a trip to the Barnard's later that afternoon. She said to tell no one, and if anyone texted or called to see how she was doing we were to tell them 'the same'. With that, everyone dispersed and went off to do chores and packing. (to read mom's side of this story go to: On Pregnancy Loss)
I stumbled to my room as the tears were blinding my vision.
"Why? God, what is the purpose of this? What are you doing?" I asked. I felt like a bad girl for asking God why. I knew you weren't supposed to ask that no matter what, but I did anyway. I was broken. Angry. I felt like my trust and faith in God had been shattered. I had trusted in Him to keep the baby safe. He had given us this baby. It had a purpose. Why was He taking it away? I sobbed my eyes out for quite awhile. My heart had broken in to pieces and melted into tears. The more I cried the angrier I became. My anger towards God grew to be so great I couldn't talk to Him anymore.
I dried up in time to do my chores, but while I was straightening books on the bookshelf a song on our iTunes began playing. It was a mother's prayer to her baby. A song we had hoped to sing at the baby's dedication. The well of tears flooded once again. I'm self-conscious about crying in front of others so I went back up to my room.
The ache in my heart wouldn't go away. I felt like I needed to talk to someone outside the family, but who could I call? I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. I finally decided to call our pseudo older brother, Joshua Covert. He would be on his lunch break in fifteen minutes so I figured I would call him then.
To my relief the fifteen minutes sped by. I dialed his number and waited for him to answer. I told myself that I was not going to cry while on the phone.
Josh answered his phone and the conversation began. I told him what had happened. I ended up crying, to my embarrassment, but what he told me set it in a new perspective for me.
He said, "Haley, I'm envious of you."
Shocked, I asked why.
He replied with, "You have a bunch of siblings. I don't. I have none. I don't even have the hope of having siblings awaiting me in Heaven. You do."
I mulled over that and then realized he was right. He was so right!
He also said, "God is trustworthy. He really is. You know this. There is a reason for all of this. I'm not sure what, but God knows. There is a bigger picture that we can't see just now."
To say the least, he greatly helped me out and reassured me that trusting in God, though hard as it is, is the best thing to do. He prayed for me, a little bit more was said, and then we parted ways.
Though I was still harboring anger towards God in my heart, I felt as though I could continue on with my life for the time being.
I shoved the whole thing aside while we were at the Barnard's. I didn't want it to spoil the trip. However, God didn't, and wouldn't let me forget.
On the way home from the Barnard's I had three hours to think about it. After fighting for so long I finally let the barriers break. The wall of anger, defeat, bitterness, and hurt came crashing down. I let it fall in a heap before the Master and King. I surrendered it all over to Him. The weight of it all was a relief to get rid of.
I was free! It was so refreshing.
I learned that I had been mistaken in praying my will instead of His will. It's still a constant battle, and I think it always will be, but I'm making it a habit to pray that way.
Also living by faith is a day by day process. By willingly trusting in the Lord to guide me every day I am setting myself up for an adventurous and challenging life, but why shouldn't I?
Letting go is not easy, but is there something God wants you to let go of?