My Life Was an Idol

I can’t die.

The Lord needs me.

I’m not finished here.

I have Lyme disease; I can very well die from it. These are lies I have comforted myself with to keep my fear abated.

I don’t want to die! I rather like living. Life is beautiful no matter how much pain I’m in. But that’s where I've erred. I've derailed my spiritual train. It crashed and was burning.

I made an idol out of my life. My physical life. Not how I’m living it, or what I’m doing with it (and not doing)  I have held onto it with such a tight grasp that I wouldn't even let the Lord touch it. If I had it in my hands and I was in control of it then I felt secure. Nothing would happen to it without my permission.

I left my Lord. I stopped loving the Lord the way He commands (Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy mind. Matt. 22:37)
I loved my life more than the Life Giver.

My life had become an idol.

Throughout the entirety of my sickness (since last June) I knew the Lord wanted me to give Him my life. I managed to keep Him quiet in that matter by not listening. I opened up my heart to Him, except that one area.

That wasn't enough for Him. God desires to be Lord of everything, not just portions of our lives.

As time would have it, I distanced myself from the Lord. I didn't want to give Him my life. Didn't I have the right to keep anything? (the answer to that is no) I was afraid of what would happen, and in case you’re wondering, I wasn't exactly all that happy.

Half of my family stayed home from church this past Sunday. (due to my current state of health, I’m unable to attend church) We listened to a sermon on loving God.
Five minutes in and I’m convicted. Half-way through I knew what I needed to do. By the end of it I had resolved to return to my First Love.
Dad asked what I had gotten out of the sermon, and as I began telling them the tears started flowing. 

Tears of shame and repentance.

With the change of the season, the Lord brought a season of change to my heart. My life is not mine at all. The Lord died so that I could have life. I can show my love and give my life back to Him. 

I trust the Lord completely. Whatever happens, I am in His hands.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37

Is there an idol in your life? Have you left your First Love? 

Beautiful Scars: Book Review

"My name is Sarah.

I am abandoned.

I am rejected.

I am unlovable.

I am a statistic.

I am alone.

I am worthless.

I am unwanted.

I am broken.

…I am just like you…"

Beautiful Scars: A New Identity Comes in Healing

With the ever present reminder that her father has abandoned her, Sarah Carter is constantly searching for acceptance.
After the pain of her father’s desertion has sunk deep enough into her heart, Sarah turns to a devastating addiction: cutting.
With her cool glass shard she carves into her body how she views herself. She can control the pain and does when the emotional pain overwhelms her.

But as time passes, the pain gets to be too much. Not even her cool glass shard can help dull the pain that is stabbing her heart to pieces. In a freak accident the shard gets stabbed into the vein on the inside of her wrist. As her life flows onto the sidewalk, she thanks the stranger who accidentally caused her death.

But does it end there?

There are millions of Sarah Carters all across the world. Longing for acceptance from anyone, willing to do whatever it takes to obtain that treasured security. Turning to life threatening addictions to numb the pain when it gets to be too much.

‘Laine Colarossi, the authoress of Beautiful Scars, presents the truth about cutting through her main character, Sarah. Captured in the pages of this amazing book is Sarah’s journey of finding her true identity.

 For those who are enslaved by this addiction, this book is for you. Purchase your own copy and discover yourself in the fictitious life of Sarah Carter.

In the Kitchen with the Master Chef

Life is a lot like being in a kitchen where God is the Master Chef. He has all these dishes being prepared, ingredients out that at first glance one wonders what in the world they will be used for. What is their

purpose? Who wants to put apple cider vinegar in their salsa anyway? How would that improve the flavor? It smells horrific.

I am the little child who comes in and wants to put my fingers in the pie and mess it all up. Here is what I think should happen. Never mind what the recipe says, we don’t need the baking soda or the salt in chocolate chip cookies, what is wrong with you? I want to put in more sugar, it will make it deliciously

sweet, right? How about some milk? And we don’t need the raw eggs. Gross. Hey! What are you doing? Why are you beating all of those ingredients together? You are putting in the chocolate chips, the best part of this weird mess, in last? Why not put those in first?
Without any guidance, I could make a huge mess of the Master Chef's work. A good cook can always fix a mistake.

That’s how it is with God in real life. He is the Master Chef and I am the little child. He has the recipe of my life and He knows what is on the ingredients list. He has the perfect idea of what He wants me to turn into. He knows how much salt, and raw eggs I need in order to make me stick together under harsh circumstances, and the salt that is for flavoring. Oftentimes I am lost as to what He is doing. I have no idea what is going on. I don’t know what this trial’s purpose is. Building faith and trust in Him, certainly, but what else? Why the waiting? Why the silence? Why the rough mixing up? What was that for? Did I do something wrong? I am your child, right? Why would You do this to me? No, I don’t want to learn patience. That process never seems to end!

I have to trust that the Master Chef knows what He is doing and doesn’t need my help with the order of things. I have to be willing to keep my hands out of things and not stick my fingers in the unmixed cookie dough and exclaim with a puzzled look on my face, “What in the world is this and what are You doing?!”
The Lord is in control of my life. I have found that when my life seems to be spinning out of control, the Lord has it all under His control. Just like the cookie dough enduring the hand mixer digging its blades in there, and mixing it all up and seemingly out of control. The Master Chef knows that this is necessary.

He knows that in order for His masterpiece to be beautiful and
delicious it has to undergo a harsh process; including at least eighteen minutes in three hundred degree heat. He understands that this is vital in baking chocolate chip cookies. And for them to come out looking luscious and soft

I have to trust my Lord and Savior with the recipe of my life. If I am not willing to undergo the sufferings and hardships of the Christian life I will never take the next step further into having a beautiful heart and soul.

Have you submitted your life to the hand of the Savior? Are you undergoing difficult circumstances and doubting the Lord? 

Journey to Recovery

February 17, 2014 began the long, presumably four month journey of my recovery. I was still on the couch at this point, but I had gotten over my depressed and overwhelmed feeling.

Monday morning I felt highly motivated to start the regimen that I had been given. We didn’t have everything that I needed; mom still had to order quite a bit of it, but what we did have, I began to hit it hard. I had a new amount of energy to get better. Now that I knew what I was fighting I had a more focused and determined attitude.

I was up more on Monday and by that afternoon I was feeling faint. As usual, I had done too much too soon.

    If you know me, you know that I love giving my all. I like to see how much I can handle, and far too often, I push it beyond my limit and pay for it. I do it every time. I love it though.

I continued to get up more the next two days, but I finally conceded that even though I was taking supplements that would restore my health did not mean that I would magically be better in two days. That was a little disappointing for me to grasp in the beginning. You would think that I was used to living on the couch. In truth, I was! But after spending thirteen weeks on the couch I wanted up!

Patience. Patience is a valuable lesson that the Lord is teaching me over and over again in each and every area of my life. And patience I would need in order to endure this.
Fourteen weeks on the couch rolled by and I was getting ready to enter the fifteenth week. Almost four months on the couch.

The change came slowly, in subtle ways. For the first time in a couple of months I was able to sleep lying down. Due to the fact that I hadn’t been getting enough oxygen to my blood cells I had trouble getting enough air. When I tried to lay down I would feel a compressed feeling on my chest. As if I was being suffocated. It was scary and every time I accidentally threw myself into a panic attack. So I slept sitting up for almost four months straight. But then suddenly, that compressed feeing was gone, and I slept a whole lot better.

  Mom and dad went on a marriage retreat Wednesday through Friday, and circumstance would have it that I needed to watch the children and take charge of the house for a few hours. Of course, presumably from the couch. I could order the little minions around, ahem, my siblings and all would be well. But when I had to step up, something snapped. It was as if I had been given a recharged battery and inserted it in my adrenaline glands. I had a new found energy. Totally unexpected. I walked upstairs twice that evening for the first time in four months. The past couple of times I had been on the back of one of my older sisters. I didn’t feel winded. Not at all. I didn’t tell anyone because I was expecting a serious crash. I thought, ‘I am more than likely going to pay for this, but whatever.’

That night my heart rate soared to 142. The highest it had been ever. With wintergreen essential oil on my temples, calm music in my ears, and held tightly in the arms of my older sister Stephanie I calmed down within a minute.
I didn’t make the connection then, but now I realized I had paid for it, but compared to all the other times I had paid the piper for my actions this didn’t seem as bad.
But I didn’t pass out. Friday rolled around and I was still up and at it. I hadn’t sat on the couch at all, and I had gone upstairs again. Friday evening I packed up all of my stuff that was in the living room, which over four months had accumulated to quite a bit, and took everything to my room. I slept in my own bed the first time in four months.

My journey to recovery is not over. I confess, there are many times where I haven’t taken all of my medicine or stayed on the diet that I was put on. I’ve paid for that. Even now, as I write this, I’m paying for the bad decisions I have made. But through it all, I’ve learned valuable lessons. I am still reaping the benefits of this illness. I would not trade them for anything. I would not have it reversed. I’m thankful I went through that because I have grown closer to the Lord.

One lesson I’ve learned is through the taking of my medicine. It has to be consistent if it is going to work. Just like spending time with the Lord is necessary in order for us to grow closer to Him. We can’t expect to give Him a few minutes here and there and think that we will be fine to just get by with that. He wants a consistent relationship, not just an every now and then.

Are you facing a difficult time in your life right now? How is the Lord growing you through these trials?

Off the Couch!

I have allowed an outrageous amount of time to pass without posting anything. Some of you may be thinking that I am still sick and living on the couch. I am here to break the rumor and present you with the truth of things.

I am off the couch.

I lived a total of fifteen weeks on the couch, but I didn’t live them alone. The Lord was with me every minute of the day. He was by my side the entire time. His grace was poured out on me in a generous manner every single day.

For thirteen weeks I had no idea what was going on. I struggled with fears of dying, and what it could be. It is so much easier to face a known enemy than to charge straight ahead at an unseen object. You have no goal and you feel very lost. That’s how I felt. That is, until I finally realized that the Lord wasn’t going to let me die. No. I sought His will on the whole matter and He gave me the answer. But nasty ole satan had to have his way and torment me asking the question, “What if this is the Lord’s will? What if you are going to die and there is nothing that you can do about it?”
I wanted to run from it all. I didn’t want to be in this situation. I wanted it to be all over with. I wanted to sleep during the whole thing and wake up when it was gone.
Then the light bulb clicked on and the Lord opened my eyes. I wasn’t going to die; I had no peace and no grace because it wasn’t time yet. The Lord had not prepared me for the situation because it wasn’t here yet. He had given me the desire and the will to fight for a reason. Not so that I could buck His plans, but so that I could follow Him with a trusting heart.
I will admit that I did continue to struggle and doubt what the Lord had revealed to me, but He was faithful and true to his word.

Friday, February 14 I had some extensive blood testing done. I was nervous and anxious about it. What did I really have? Would we get the answers? Was it terminal? Was it something I would have to live with the rest of my life? Was it truly Lyme’s disease?

We didn’t get the full list of results until two days later on Sunday. I confess, I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all. I was shocked and depressed for a bit.
Here is what was/is wrong with me.

My kidneys and liver weren’t working properly.
I had inflammation and circulation issues.
Adrenal stress.
Hormonal imbalance.
Hidden heavy metals in my body
A hidden virus in my lymphatic system
Multiple bacteria that was invading the immune system.
My immune system was shot to pieces. I had yeast issues and the beginnings of Leaky Gut Syndrome.
And the grand finale, Mycoplasma.
Mycoplasma is a little germ that gets inside of the blood cells and wreaks havoc in your system. It totally depletes you of energy and drains you.

It felt huge, and every time the guy would tell me what he found I would hold my breath and wait for it to be something huge and horrible. Every one of these things is horrible, but none of them are terminal. Praise the Lord! The Lord kept His promise.

I am now on a four month plan to eradicate all of my issues. But that’s another blog post for another day.

God bless,
Haley

Here are the previous blog posts if you haven't been following my journey:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Where My Life Is Part 4

No, this is NOT what I do all day

I have a weird knack for confounding the medical community. My grandfather teases me about having these strange health issues that no one has ever heard of. I told him it was all part of my enigmatic personality.

  Two months has passed since I claimed the title Couch Potato, or as my mother affectionately calls me, (cue sarcasm) Sofa Spud. Yes, two months has truly passed. And I still remain an enigma to the medical community. No, I don't count that as an achievement....OK, maybe I do, but just a little bit.
All of my tests that I mentioned in my last post, in this series, went well. Everything looked fine, except the irregular behavior of my heart. The cardiologist determined that it wasn't my heart that was the issue, but rather, something causing my heart to react. Thus we don't have any definitive answers. Am however going to get more blood testing done.

 I am still on the couch, but I'm content there. Truly and honestly. I have taken Paul's advice and become content in whatsoever state I am in. Good lesson to learn. Hard lesson to learn though. Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to get back into my normal life, but the Lord has me on the couch for a reason.
I have come to realize just how similar this whole situation is to Peter walking on the water, as well as when Jesus calmed the storm. Whenever I take my focus off of God and look at my life and this situation I start to panic. The doubts, fears, and worry all swirl about me. Like crashing waves threatening to take the boat under. When I think, how long am I gonna live on the couch? That...just....scares me. But if I think of it as, how long will the Lord have me here...well that is putting my focus back on the Lord. And I can walk on the water again without being afraid. As long as I don't think of it as ME having to go through all this, but instead the LORD taking me through this then I can hold His hand and trust Him completely.

God bless!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

One Year Ago Today...

Repost: God Spared My Life!

I should be dead.

Or at the very least in the hospital right now along with my older sister Steph. But I have a miraculous story to tell. One that bears Spiritual Warfare at the very heart of it.

Yesterday, Steph and I went to Panera Bread for dinner with some friends. I had changed my mind at the very last moment to actually go. I had planned to stay home, but decided against it when I realized I needed to pick up some things from the store before Friday.

We weren't planning to stay at Panera Bread past seven-thirty. We had music to practice for our parent's 25th vow renewal ceremony/celebration on Saturday. But we stayed later and then at the last minute decided to take one of my best friends, Rachelle, home after we had hit T.J. Maxx (another last minute decision) the library, and Walmart.

These details may seem trivial, but it all played a part in the story. In order for Rachelle to ride in Steph's car we had to put three heavy-duty card tables, for the party, in the trunk. It was tricky fitting them in there, but we managed to get them in the trunk.

We spent more time in T.J. Maxx and Walmart than all of us had anticipated. I couldn't find the particular gift card at the 'old' Walmart in Columbus that I needed. Frustrated, I told Steph and Rachelle that I'd just get it at the newer Walmart out by the highway.

We dropped Rachelle off at her house and then headed to the newer Walmart. We met up with Mom there and almost took Samuel  home with us. Once again, it took me a while to find the gift card, but I finally found it and we left for home.

During the drive, I worked on Christmas gifts while Stephanie practiced her speech for Mom and Dad's party. We had found it interesting that every time she came to the part of sharing the gospel she always blanked out. This continued all the way to Columbus and back. She told me, "Haley, Satan does not want me to share this."

The road from Columbus to our house is a dangerous one in the winter. Especially on a particular stretch known as Beck's Grove. We had come through there before just fine. Yes, there were patches of ice, but we had made it safely the first time.

While we were on this road Steph was practicing her speech once again. She was at the part of sharing the gospel when all of a sudden we began fish-tailing. Now Stephanie is a safe driver. I feel safe whenever I am with her.

But whenever the car started twisting, it seemed to go berserk. Steph said, "Don't worry, Haley, I got this," remembering Dad's instruction.

No matter what she did it was worthless. The car was headed for the left side of the road where a deep, wooded ravine seemed to be our destined doom. All of a sudden the car was turned around and the next thing I see is a white embankment and a tree coming at us. Stephanie shut her eyes through the whole thing, but I kept them open the entire time.

I remember screaming and hearing Stephanie scream. We slammed into the embankment and I thought that would be the end of it. I remember thinking, "God, I'm going to die today." But next thing I am being flipped upside down. I hear a loud crunch and screaming. I remember hitting the door, but I didn't feel it. While flipping, both of us felt like someone was holding us in a tight, comfortable embrace. We had our seat-belts on, but it was a stronger grip. Even when we were rolling we felt as though we were swaddled with soft pillows or something. There were angels holding both of us, I am sure of it.

All of a sudden I was suspended in midair by my seat-belt. I suddenly realized that I was repeating, "Oh my God" over and over again. I couldn't figure out where my seat had gone. My door looked odd and I couldn't figure out how to get out. All I could think of, was my sister dead?

I unbuckled my seat-belt somehow and softly landed on the 'floor'. I later figured out that it was the cracked windshield that I was sitting on. The first thing that Stephanie thought when we stopped was, "Shut the car off." Then she thought of me. She thought she had killed me or impaired me and I was in a bloody mess. The first thing I said was, "Are we still alive?" She assured me we were very much alive. We were both turned around mentally. I grabbed her arms and she grabbed mine. I said, "Steph, we need to pray!"
She started praying and I interjected, "Thank you God for saving us!" She stopped me and said, "Right now is not the time to pray. We can pray later. We need to get out of the car." I collected all the necessary belongings and placed them in a Walmart bag. That is, after I found my shoes.

We crawled out and heard a man's voice asking if we are all right. Steph answered "I think so. I don't feel hurt, but I need to call my dad."

I looked at the flipped car and thought, "There is no way we just made it out of there alive. No way."
The man's phone didn't get signal in the spot where we were. He told us we needed to call the police.
A county water utility truck stopped and the couple both had cell phones. The man used his to call the police and the woman let Stephanie use hers to call dad.

The couple from the water utility backed up and sat farther down the road with their flashers on. Dad would be at the crash site in roughly thirty minutes. The man who had first stopped told us, "Why don't you come and sit in my car where it's warm?"

We numbly got in. It was a good thing we did because I was starting to slip into shock.

Aaron was the man who let us sit in his car and he told us some of his crashing experiences. He didn't even live in the area. The only reason he had been down here was to get his birth certificate for a job in another city where he lives. We told him that God had orchestrated the timing perfectly.

The first volunteer policeman got there and we got out. He asked skeptically if we were the ones who had been in the car wreck and if we were hurt. Steph told him, "I don't think so. I don't feel hurt. I'm just shook up."

The policeman shined a flashlight in her eyes and asked, "Are you sure?" She reassured him.

Dad showed up along with more policemen. We went through the whole process of registering the car and all that. Nobody could believe that we were the two who had been in the car wreck.

Those tables I mentioned that we had put in the trunk? I shudder to think what could have happened if they had been in the back seat!

Stephanie's huge glass water bottle had landed above her head and all that had happened to it was the lid came off and the water spilled out. I later reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a Starbucks Mocha glass jar. It was not scratched or cracked. I could hardly believe it.

Mom arrived and charged up to us crying. We put our arms around her and reassured her that we were okay.

We were all heartily astonished when after the wrecker had turned the car over, the car started. Then Dad drove the car all the way home! Stephanie fell apart at that point. She could not believe it. I put my arms around her. I felt like giggling. I didn't feel like crying at that moment. I wanted to laugh exultantly because my God had conquered the demons who wanted us dead. I told Stephanie that I was going to mention what had happened before she gave her speech on Saturday. There is no way I can't. We all agree that what had happened to us was a direct attack from Satan, but God had intervened and had an army of angels all around us.

Fuzzy picture taken from Mom's cell phone camera

We are both sore and I found out I had a minor concussion and a cut on my foot, but other than that and being traumatized I am extremely glad that I am alive. I honestly thought that my life was going to end last night. God spared my life. I cannot tell you how grateful and humbled I am to know that the Lord has a specific purpose for me. I have come to the realization through this whole situation that God has me in the palm of His hands. Life is precious. Value it. Don't squander away your days. Enjoy them. Live them to the fullest. Fill them with things that have an everlasting purpose.

Note: To read Mom's account, read the post The Car Wreck on her blog.

Where My Life Is: Part 3

Saturday morning I trekked upstairs, gathered up my Bible, my laptop, a couple of notebooks, some Starbuck’s via, candy and chocolate I had saved back, (essential to living on the couch. Can’t survive without candy or chocolate!) books that I hadn’t read yet, letters that I needed to reply to, and my pillows and blankets. I was moving into the living room.

One week turned into two. I was still living on the couch. I physically couldn’t do things. I went to church, but all I did was sit, that was the extent of my activities. I went to my appointment with a cardiologist on the 22^nd of November. After telling him what was going on and such he said that the list of what it could be was too long. So we would narrow that down with three tests to start with. And if we couldn’t get any good answers from that we would, as he puts it, ‘Do some more investigation.” Love this guy’s vocabulary!
I would have my chest X-Ray, Echo-cardiogram, (heart ultrasound) done on December 2^nd, as well as have my 24 hour EKG halter monitor put on.
So what did I do while waiting? Well November is National Novel Writing Month. I was doing the contest of writing 50,000 words in month, but had gotten set back due to the circumstances. So I pulled my story out and finished that baby. I wrote letters, read the Bible, and since I couldn’t get out that much I spent a lot of time conversing over the Internet. I will admit to you here that my attitude has seen some definite changes. In the beginning I was scared about it all. I mean that’s really understandable considering. I had no idea what was going on! But I also wasn’t completely trusting in the Lord. I was grouchy, still am from time to time. I didn’t want to live on the couch. I hate being confined. I love moving around and doing things. I love being busy! To me, I’m being lazy. That’s my mindset. But….through different conversations with my brother Josh he finally convinced me that I can’t really help it. It’s not my fault if I’m being lazy. It’s still frustrating to me when I see something that needs to be done, but I know that I can’t do it.

Well five days into this thing I found out that I couldn’t laugh anymore. Well, at least without consequences. Laughing makes it a whole lot worse. The first time this happened, I went to lay down to go to sleep and I had to sleep sitting up. Whenever I laid down it was as though there was a heavy vise clamping and compressing my chest. My chest pain and heart rate increased too. I ended up throwing myself into a panic attack the first night. The second night I laughed the same thing happened, except I didn’t have a panic attack. So no laughing. Which is completely foreign to me. I am known for giggling. I handle life with laughter! I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh. But now I can’t.

Thanksgiving rolled around, and on the way to my older sister’s house I laughed some, and sang. Bad idea. When I tried to get out of the van a sharp pain stabbed me in the chest. I couldn’t hardly breathe it was so bad. I made it in the house, and into a chair. I started shaking violently and I couldn’t get the pain to go away in my chest. After family pictures, I stayed snuggled up with soft blankets, in a most comfortable chair the entire day.
That night I had a bad attack..
After that we determined that I would not sing anymore. I’ve done some a little bit, and I’ve always felt horrible afterwards. 

Where My Life Is Part 1

Where My Life Is Part 2

Where My Life Is: Part 2

To pick up where I left off in part one…

At the doctor’s appointment on Wednesday Nov. 13, we discussed with the doctor our suspicions about me having Lyme’s disease. She agreed to give me the test along with a bunch of other blood tests. Such as my vitamin D levels, a thyroid check, things like that. The next day, she called saying that she had gotten one of the test results back. Mom and I were on our way into town so we couldn’t call her back.
  Whenever I get test results I’m always nervous. No matter what kind of test it was, it makes me nervous. When we got to a friend’s house mom called the doctor. A few minutes later she announced that my vitamin D level was critically low. It was a level nine. I was immediately put on 50,000 IUs of vitamin D per week. I’ve been on that for about five weeks now.

The next week all of my test results came back negative. No Lyme, which I am grateful, deeply grateful for, and my Thyroid was fine. They did find that at one point I had had Mono. I find that funny and horrible at the same time. I never knew I had it. Hopefully I didn’t give it to anyone else.
So…back to square one. By this time I was getting progressively worse. Even more worse than before. I had passed out on the tenth of November after performing dinner music with my sisters. Thankfully I was home when it happened.
My episodes seemed to be getting closer together. More frequent. And we had no clue what was going on. Talk about scary! The week of the Long Sister’s Student’s Recital I taught piano lessons while relaxed on a couch. I teach at my student’s home so that was awesome how the Lord provided a way for me to comfortably teach. But I was only allowed to sit. I could walk, but only when necessary. The only thing that the girls would let me carry was my bag. I admit I got irritated with this over protection. It was needed, but I felt…restricted. 

At each of my student’s lessons I told them that this might be the last lesson for a while. We might have to stop after the recital and pick up in January. I felt like breaking down. OK, I did on Sunday night when my mom told me that I needed to tell my students that. I’ve come to love all of my students. They are like, I don’t know, best friends. The more you invest in someone’s life the more you grow to love them.
Friday rolled around, and I actually felt really good. I had taken my second vitamin D pill the day before and I felt almost somewhat normal. I taught four of my students in the morning, then came home and readied myself for the night.
While trying to seat my students I kept getting their names mixed up on the paper. Whenever I get close to passing out my vision feels funny. I had already begun to feel nauseous, yet another symptom of passing out. Flustered, I handed the paper to my older sister, Emily, and explained to her what was going on. The recital began, and so did my shaking. I continued to shake throughout the whole thing. Nobody except Emily knew because I did my best to hide it. Emily sat beside me, with her arm around me just in case I did pass out. She didn’t want me falling on the floor. Halfway through she whispered to me and said, “You are not getting up to give your speech.” I nodded and told her it was best if I didn’t get up. I didn’t have notes so I gave her a brief run down on what I had planned to say.
After the recital, and during the reception I continued to stay seated. I knew that if I got up I would more than likely pass out. One of my student’s came up to me and asked if we were still on for lessons the next week. Ever the stubborn one, I pluckily replied, “Of course we are! I plan on being there Tuesday!”
A little bit afterward I went to the restroom with the aid of Emily. When I returned to my seat, I laid my head on her shoulder, and went limp. I didn’t completely pass out, but I had no strength left whatsoever. I kept my eyes closed throughout this time. It’s too much of an effort to lift them, that and talking. I heard them get a wheelchair, and then my older brother Josh, and possibly someone else put me in it. During the process I kept slipping in and out of consciousness. Movement seriously aggravates it. Don’t ask me why. It’s the weirdest feeling though. At the time I wasn’t sure what they were trying to get on the wheelchair. Turns out it was a leg rest or something. Mrs. Beck, the lady who had helped us organize our recital, and one of the mothers of four of my students, ended up wheeling me out. She used to be a nurse, so that was a great asset. I remember hearing her take my pulse saying it was at 120. I left the recital in quite the melodramatic way. Not the way I would have preferred in a million years, but did I really have a choice? I was put in the front seat of my dad’s car by dad and Josh. I’m not quite sure what they were doing, but Josh was in the car talking to me. That really helped me calm down. 

 A lot. I won’t go into all of the details of what happened in the ER. It would bore you, but they did not find anything new. They told us that it was pointless to keep bringing me back in there because they would do the same thing over and over: Suck my blood, do an EKG, and hook me up to a heart monitor.
That was one of my worst episodes ever. On the car ride home mom informed me that I was going to cancel life for a week, and do nothing but lay on the couch. And she meant that to the ‘T’.

Where  My Life Is Part 1
Where My Life Is Part 3

I'm Still Alive!

I’ve been absent for quite some time. I honestly did not mean for that to happen. Time ebbs away too easily it seems. Especially the older you get. At least that’s what it feels like. Truth be told, every time I have tried to write a blog post I get caught up in socializing with other people, searching other things, and forgetting that I needed to write a blog post. Honestly, I didn’t feel inspired. I generally don’t write unless I feel a desire to do so. 

Nevertheless, I have been going through quite a bit. There are certain areas of my life that I would like to share with you. Hopefully when you read the different posts you will be encouraged and maybe even convicted. If I haven’t made this clear enough already, my goal for this blog is to encourage and bless any and everyone who reads it. I see this blog as a journal of sorts. I’m documenting my spiritual journey, (though sometimes the posts don’t always follow that guideline).

What I will do is give you an overview of what I have been up to. Then I’ll go into detail in a few of the areas that God has been working heavily in my life. It may take some time to get this all written, but that’s OK.

The last post that I wrote was on my graduation party. What have I done since? Anything and everything! Or…so it seems. 

I have fifteen piano students. I divided it up to where I teach them on three different days of the week. That takes up quite a bit of time. Plus I’m getting sewing lessons in exchange for teaching piano. Absolutely love exchanging trades.

I have been writing as often as I can. By writing I mean working on my novels. I have three in the works. The main one I am working on is the second rough draft of my World War Two novel. I am really trying to get that one finished. My hope and prayer is to get it published someday soon. I’m still praying about which publishing house I want to go with, and how to find a literary agent. That is one scary thought. I have no idea how it will all work out so I am simply leaving it up to God to provide me with one.

My family has been busy with singing engagements and different functions. Corrie’s baptism/our fall party is this Sunday. We have preparation for that to work on.

I have been continuing with my own piano lessons. God worked it out to where I would be able to further my piano education. That was truly amazing how the Lord opened the door for that one. I am still awed at how He made that happen.

I have a new sister! Sabrina Lynn. Beautiful six year old. She is actually our second cousin, but the Lord allowed us to obtain guardianship of her. She is such a blessing. I am planning on doing an entire post on that one. You’ll get all of the details on that situation, most of them anyway.

That’s about all of the major things happening in my life. There are little things in between the cracks of these main things that I will share with you. I know God wants me to share them with you all. He has laid it on my heart to do so.

Stay tuned for the next few blog posts that are certain to follow.

God bless you!

The Essence of Maturity

How do you mature?

I have been asked that question several times. The reason I've been asked that I don't know why. But apparently the people who asked it thought I would be able to answer.

The first time I was asked how does one become mature I snorted and waved them off. How should I know? Who did they think I was, some spiritual guru or something? (which by the way, I'm not at all! Just ask my family and friends) :P But then I got to thinking about it.

Seriously, how does one become mature? Spiritually and mentally.

The dictionary's definition is:

"completed, perfected, or elaborated in full by the mind: fully developed in body or mind, as a person"

But how does one put that into action? How does one achieve that level of maturity? What is the essence of maturity.

It took me awhile to really figure this out. Well I didn't really figure it out the Lord brought it to my heart.

We become mature through hardships, trials, and tests. Emotionally and mentally we get older. Not necessarily age wise, (that's inevitable for all of us) but we become wise. This is what grows us. The more we go through the more mature we become.

My sixteenth year was probably my hardest year. God took me through so much. I had a bunch of medical issues and I thought I was seriously going to die. But I wouldn't trade or erase that year for anything. I learned some valuable lessons. One of the main ones was to trust God.

   It really isn't easy to just trust God. We all want to have control over our life because if it's in our hands we think that we are safe. But we have it all backwards! If we just place our life in God's hands He will do amazing things with it.

My younger sister Corrie and I were talking the other day. She told me that she really liked it when we had tornadoes come our way because we had nothing to be afraid of. I wholeheartedly agreed with her. It's because I know that God has us in the palm of His hand. And that is the safest place to be. (And we've never been hit by a tornado.)

Anyway, I grew in certain areas that I couldn't have matured in if I hadn't gone through all those trials. It has paid off!

So when a hard time, test, or trial comes your way, don't freak. Give it to God and ask Him to guide you through it. He brought it in to your life in the first place.

Are you perhaps going through a hardship right now?

My Covenant Ceremony

This past Friday evening, a special event took place around my house. My covenant ceremony. 

As you can see from the pictures, this isn't some simple affair. It's serious.

Unlike Stephanie and Emily's covenant ceremonies, I wanted more than just my family and pastor to be there. My friends help shape me into being the person that I am. They are my peers, and help to keep me in line.
So, with more than just my family there, as you can see, it made it all the more special. Even more so because a family of 13 was there. We've been pen pals with this family for almost a year and just met them in person last week. 

There is one table not shown here, but that's just about all of them. :)

Dinner was fabulous.

And so were the desserts! Which were homemade Profiterole Puffs, they're just like cream puffs, and Caramel Custard

After we finished this luscious meal, we all gathered in a semi-circle around the beautifully decorated arbor.

Dad gave a little speech thanking everyone for coming, and explaining what the purpose of this covenant ceremony was: my decision to place myself under my father's protection and to wait for God's leading in the direction of a future life partner. 

Mom explained the reason why my covenant was different than the other two girls'.

Pastor then spoke about me. His message was touching, and tear-jerking, for me at least. :)

After that, we invited anyone who wanted to speak. Stephanie and Emily gave me a heart warming and challenge-filled speech. My pseudo brother Josh spoke as well. That was tear-jerking too.

I sang the song, 'Thank You Mama and Papa accompanied by Stephanie on the guitar.

The covenant signing followed suit. 

Daddy read his vows to me:

• I will protect you from unqualified men.
• I will teach you God's principles of life.
• I will pray for you and for God's choice of your life partner.

I in turn, read my vows to daddy:

• I will keep myself pure for my husband
• I will obtain your blessing on my courtship
• I will wait for your full release before entering into marriage. 

We both signed it, and pastor witnessed and dated the document.

Daddy then presented me with a special ring as a symbol of our vows. 

By then we were both crying...

Daddy finished the whole ceremony up with a blessing/prayer for me.

A slew of pictures were taken after that. 

Each of these dear girls have made similar covenants with their dads. They are the ones who are to keep me accountable to the covenant I have made. 

Here's a close-up of the signed covenant;

And the ring! I love this simple little 14k white gold ring. It doesn't look fancy or anything, but I'm not one to have baubles or big things on my rings. With it being so small, it's easier to play piano with. 

The engraved design is the key to my heart under my father's umbrella of protection. 

A Reminisce

The day, or a few days before my birthday, I always get the birthday blues. Yes, as weird as that sounds, it's true.
The birthday blues are a case of pre-birthday depression. Not really. I'm totally pulling your leg.
No, the birthday blues come over me whenever I start reminiscing about my life. About the entire past year. What all has taken place during that year? How have I grown in the Lord? How have I matured. What is something I want to change in my next year of life? And the list goes on and on and on.
Then I start thinking, these are my last few days of being this age. I will never be this age ever, ever again. That is depressing.
This time around it was sixteen.
I loved being sweet sixteen. It seemed to be such a fun and carefree age. Although, in reality it really wasn't.
I had so many challenges during all of last year. With my medical issues, which lasted almost all of my sixteenth year, and the trials the Lord sent my way so that I would grow, it was a tough year. I love challenges though. There is nothing wrong with a challenge. Anyway, I'm really bunny-trailing today....
There were lots of awesome things that took place this past year. I started my blog. I acquired a bunch of pen pals! I was introduced to the One Year Adventure Novel forum by a good friend. Thank you, Reagan, for introducing me to that epic place! :) I have met lots of new people.
And the list goes on. So you get the general idea of what the birthday blues is. They're not that bad, really. :P

Here are a few thoughts I conjured up while reminiscing:

What is something that I want to change in my life during this next year?
I want to change the fact that I'm so busy. Or at least I say I'm busy. Am I really busy, or is it just the little trivial things that coagulate and create a time sucking mechanism that sweeps through my days. Honestly, am I truly busy doing things that need to be done? This is something I can sort through, but not today.

What do I want to stay the same?
I want the fact that I live in a free country to stay the same. I'm hoping against hope, I know. Please, don't burst my bubble and force me to face reality. No, I'm totally kidding.

What would I like to accomplish in this next year?
Thanks for asking! Now let me borrow your ear for a minute and I'll try to talk as fast as I can before my time runs out. :P (I'm in a really playful mood this morning, please forgive me)
Well... lets see... I would like to finish my novel and get it published. I'd like to get another one started as well.
My graduating is inevitable, so that's happening.
I would absolutely love to meet a bunch of the OYANers. I'd love to meet all of my pen pals as well. You dear girls mean so much to me.
I would love to go to the 2013 Summer Workshop.
I want to make it to Carnegie Hall in the World Piano Competition. I think I would absolutely floor my piano teacher if I did that.
I want to grow even more in the Lord. I want my relationship with God to flourish into something grand.
I want to strengthen the relationship with my siblings into something much more solid.

As I enter into another year of my life, I'm not completely sure what the Lord has planned for me.
I do know this; whatever He has for me will more then likely have challenges.
Bring it on!! :)

The Clock is Running Down

Time is of essence. Whether we realize it, or not.

This past Sunday guest speaker Rick Grubb gave a powerful sermon on time. It revolutionized my thinking and the way I now live. I couldn't keep this good, convicting stuff to myself, so I'm sharing it with you! :P

What does it mean to redeem time? 

• Redeem: to rescue from going to waste
• Time: the passing of life.

If time means the passing of life, then how much time do we have? 

The average life span is seventy years. Say you are thirty-five. Already half of your life is gone! To what has it gone to? What change have you made in the world? What service have you done for God? You have only thirty-five years left. Unless you succeed and live past seventy therefore making you one who is living on borrowed time. ;)

Why is it so important to redeem the time?

Our time is limited; death is certain. Hebrews 9:27 says, "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment" 

Our use of time brings about eternal consequences whether they be good or bad. Whatever you invest your time in here on earth you are going to reap the consequences for years and years to come. 

"Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences." 2 Corinthians 5:11

Time is not recoverable.

James 4:14 says, "Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. 

Time is our most valuable earthly possession.

Matthew 25:14-30

We must give an account to God

"But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment."

When you have a car running and it is sitting idle, what does it do? It wastes gas. When you are idling away your time you are literally throwing your life down the drain. Bottom line.

If we know what we know....

Why do we still do what we do?

What are specific ways I can redeem the time?

A) Learn how to wake up and get up

"How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? When wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep." Proverbs 6:9-10

"As the door turneth upon its hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed." Proverbs 26:14

You know your favorite button on your alarm clock? Yeah, the snooze button. The alarm goes off, you slap the snooze button, "Just ten minutes more..." It goes off again...."Oh, sleeping here for ten more minutes is not going to kill me..." By the time you actually get out of the bed most of your morning is gone; completely wasted by you sleeping. 

B) Get organized. 

Arrange your life so God can use you to your fullest potential. 

"Let all things be done decently and in order." 1 Corinthians 14:40

C) Identify and eliminate time wasters.

"Labor not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you: for him hath God the Father sealed."

Two questions you should ask before committing your time to any activity:

1. What will be the fruit of this activity in 5 years?
2. What will be the fruit of this activity in Eternity?

D) Conquer Procrastination!!! 

"And as he reasoned of righteousness, temperance, and judgment to come, Felix trembled and answered, Go thy way for this time; when I have a convenient time I will call for thee." 

There is no record of Felix ever finding the right moment. Because of procrastination Felix is most likely now spending eternity in Hell. 

The real key to redeeming the time:

Constantly ask yourself: 

"What does God want me to do right now? 

 Don't waste your life. Do something for God. And do it now. 

THE CLOCK IS RUNNING DOWN!

Rick Grubbs lives in South Carolina with his wife Carrie and their 11 children. He is available for workshops and seminars. His web site is: Life Changing Seminars. There are many wonderful resources available there!

Praise the Lord for a Disability?

Fanny Crosby was not born blind. She had perfect eyesight for six weeks. While the doctor was out of town attending other patients, Fanny contracted an infection in her eyes. Out of desperation her parents found a country doctor who assured them he could cure her. He prescribed hot mustard poultices to be placed on her eyes. The prescription proved to be devastating. The doctor was a quack. Fanny Crosby was blind forever.

 Despite different trips to other renowned and distinguished doctors, Fanny’s eyes remained incurable.

All through her life, Fanny did not become bitter towards the doctor who caused her blindness. She stated,

“If I had been able to make only one petition to my Creator, it would have been that I should remain blind. For when I get to heaven the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior.

Through her blindness she wrote thousands of hymns. They brought many people to the Lord and comforted many. Instead of becoming bitter and resenting her blindness, she worked through it. She was contented to serve the Lord by writing hymns.

Is there a physical disability or anything of the like that you have? If so, are you bitter towards the Lord about it? Or have you resolved to work through it, and praise the Lord?

Chazak Amats!

Haley

The Long Family Singers

In early 2000, three little girls, of the ages,11, 8, and 4, were all in the kitchen doing the dishes. Normally this wouldn't be any problem except, the dishwasher was broken! There was no laughter, water splashes, or any fun happening during this little chore. Instead, bickering, scowling faces, and hateful remarks were flying back and forth between the girls. Mom was in the other room desperately trying to figure out what to do with these girls. Finally, after some thought, and after she had had enough of their arguing, she marched into the kitchen with a hymnal in her hand and a determined look on here face.

"Girls," She said "I am sick and tired of hearing your bickering and arguing. It is not glorifying to the Lord in any way shape or form. I want you girls to sing hymns while you do the dishes. You are not allowed to talk to each other just sing. " She placed the hymnal on the windowsill and left the kitchen.
The girls grudgingly started singing as their mother walked through the house with a satisfied smile on her face.

Those three little girls were my sisters and I; Stephanie, Emily, and me!

From left to right:
Emily, Amanda, Mackenzie (in the highchair) Stephanie, and me! 

     
After that life altering experience in the kitchen we kept on singing as we did the dishes. It was fun! We replaced splashing each other with rinse water, racing to see if we could keep the person who was drying the dishes (usually Emily) 'stocked up', with mountain loads of dishes, with singing hymns.

The more we sang, the better we got. Stephanie learned how to sing alto, and we began to harmonize with each other.

Two years later, we felt that God was laying it on our hearts to use our voices to minister to other people. Although we had never had professional voice lessons. To this day we have never had professional lessons. That really doesn't matter though. Through the years, with lots of practice, and picking up voice tidbits and such, we have improved a lot!

From left to right:
Corrie, Isaac, Mackenzie, Emily, me, and Stephanie
Singing at a neighboring church.

           
In 2004, Stephanie was given a guitar for her birthday. With excitement and enthusiasm she taught herself how to play the guitar. That's when we started singing for nursing homes, and churches.

In 2005, a good friend began teaching Emily the violin. Later that same year she started teaching me piano.

Emily competing in our 4-H talent show. 2010

   
As the years have passed by, we have expanded our ministry, recently began adding in the younger children, and this past Christmas made our first unofficial CD. God has greatly blessed our ministry.

Us three older girls singing at Stephanie's best friend's fundraiser back in October 2008.

Us three older girls singing in the mess hall at Camp Atterbury. 

All of us singing the background music at a restaurant last November.
From left to right:
Front row: Eric Samuel, Destiny
Middle Row: Corrie, Isaac, Stephanie
Back row: Michael, me, Emily, and Mackenzie.

 
Through all the years we have learned a most valuable lesson: When you think you are the least prepared in any area of your life, that's where God will work. :D

Introduction

I have been wanting to have a blog of my own for some time. Ever since my mom started one, I thought of how I could influence, or rather encourage young people of my own age. I want to serve the Lord with my whole heart.  In a way, this is serving Him. Through my writing I can spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ and show other people how God is working in my life. The pen is mightier than the sword!
To start things off, I am an all time inexperienced writer. The talent I have (or think I have) is all from the Lord. I can't take any credit for it, at all! If I did, I would be lying to myself and to everyone else. :)
I am sort of random. When I want to be.
I have nine other siblings. All biological! I had somebody ask me that the other day when I told them that we had ten kids. Unfortunately I couldn't see their face. :) Anyway, back to what I was saying, yes I have nine other siblings and it's lots of fun. Let me tell you! I pity every only child that is out there. I know it's not their fault, or anyone else's, but I still pity them.
My parents have not always been saved. A lot of people we meet automatically assume that they have been....until we tell them otherwise. To read our family's testimony click here.
Our family has a singing ministry that started back in 2002. Well really it started in 2000, but I'll save that for another blog post.
I really can't think of anything else that you need to know that you won't find out unless you keep reading my blog. So on that note, I will say Ta-Ta for now!